Fang Sweeps Mines
by tgypwya
Summary: Life's getting boring... Until Fang discovers the addicting game of minesweeper! And proceeds to go crazy... A dumb little oneshot born out of boredom. Enjoy!


**Me: For the first time in a long time, it's a new story!**

**Max: It's a oneshot.**

**Me: So?**

**Max: It doesn't count.**

**Me: Yeah it does.**

**Max: Does not. Plus it's really stupid.**

**Me: ...Yeah, I'll admit that. It is pretty stupid. But Kara liked it, so it's going up.**

**Max: Uh huh...**

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything. At all. I do have permission to use Justin and Saint, though...**

**

* * *

**

Fang scanned through the seemingly endless list of comments. His blog had gotten fairly boring recently, since the Flock was taking a break at Max's mom's house, but the regulars didn't mind. Neither did Fang.

Unfortunately, when blog posts got monotonous, comments turned random.

**Randomness101 said:**

OMG, like, my dog dragged a freaking possum into my house today! O_O

**Sweet_Fnick said:**

Oh noes! D: Was it ok?????

**Randomness101 said:**

Yeah, but I had to touch it with a shovel! EWWWW!

**Fang's-Executioner said:**

You all need to get out more, dammit.

**iAMreAlLyAnOYiNG said:**

Squee!!! It's Iggy!!!

**Fang's-Executioner said:**

I really need to change my blogname…

**Fang=DeadbeatDad said:**

Guess what peoples??? I just beat minesweeper on Expert!!! XDDD

**Randomness101 said:**

Sweeet! Nice! :)

**Sweet_Fnick said:**

Good job!!! –high fives-

**Fang's-Executioner said:**

I repeat my earlier comment.

**iAMreAlLyAnOYiNG said:**

Iggy!!! –glomps-

_Hmm… I bet I can do that, _Fang thought. _Minesweeper… Sounds really really easy._

And then hell was unleashed.

* * *

"Ha! That took 30 seconds! This is a joke!" Fang laughed, having just aced "Beginner."

"What's a joke?" asked Max, coming over to see.

"Minesweeper," Fang bragged, "I'm gonna beat Expert!"

"Good luck…" Max groaned. This wasn't gonna be pretty.

"You know what? Screw Intermediate… Expert, here I come!" Fang dove right in, not even caring that the board-thing was about four times as big as the Beginner one.

* * *

Click.

Click.

"Damn."

Click.

Click.

Click.

"Damn."

Click.

"Ooh, a big one! Lemme see…" Fang stared for a second, before clicking away.

"Damn."

* * *

"YOU ARE KIDDING ME!!!!!" Fang screamed at the computer, which had to be cheating. "I ONLY HAD… 47 left? Wow…" He shrugged and hit **New Game. **The little tally said it was the 145th time.

Click. Click. Click. Click. _Uh oh. Which one… _"…" Click. "DAMMIT!"

"Fang? Are you okay?" Max asked. "It's three in the morning, and you- Are you still playing?"

"YES!!! I AM STILL PLAYING, DO YOU HAVE A PROBLEM WITH THAT?!?!?!?!" Fang screamed, his eyes bloodshot and his ears twitching.

"Fang… How many coffees have you had?"

"I DON'T FREAKING KNOW, LIKE, TWO, THREE, SEVENTEEN… I GOTTA BEAT THIS! I-" The crazed bird-kid suddenly fell asleep.

Max walked over cautiously. "Fang? Hello? Are you okay?"

Fang sat up suddenly. "DON'T TOUCH THE MEXICAN IN THE OVERALLS! THERE'S A MONKEY IN HIS PANTS!"

Max sighed. "That's it Fang, I'm waking up mom…"

"YAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!" Fang hit her over the head with a half-full cup of Starbucks' finest.

"What the hell, Fang? It's three in the Goddamn morning! You are going to get off this computer and go to freaking bed already!"

"NEVER!" Fang bellowed, grabbing his laptop. "You don't touch the precious!" he hissed.

Max couldn't think of anything to say, so she didn't say anything.

Fang hit her over the head with the precious.

"OW! FANG! WHAT THE-" He hit her again. This time she fell unconscious.

He leaned down over her and licked her nose. "Tastes like chicken. Yummers." He chomped his teeth down on his late-night snack.

Simply put, she woke up.

"FANG! WHAT! THE! HELL?!?!?!?!?"

The precious got even more action. Fang was once again the only fully awake creature in the house.

"Now," he cackled, "back to conquering the mines! MWAHAHAHA- DAMMIT!"

* * *

Click. Click. Sip of coffee. Click. Click. Sip.

"You know, that's a two, not a three," a strange voice echoed.

Fang jumped up, waving his Invisible Death Sword of Doom. "Who's there? Is it the pizza I ordered? Because I DIDN'T ORDER ONE!!!"

"Down here, dumbass," the voice responded.

Fang squinted as he searched the screen. "Is that you, creepy little paperclip guy?

"No shit, Sherlock," the creepy little paperclip guy said. "You know you suck, right?"

Fang gasped. "Nobody insults me to my face! Prepare to die!"

"Look, dumbass," Creepy Little Paperclip Guy said, "You've lost 2,233 straight games. You. Suck."

Fang would not be fazed. "Yeah, well, that's what your mother said!"

Creepy Little Paperclip Guy just raised his Creepy Little Paperclip Eyebrow. "You're invited."

"I'm invited? To what? A party?" Fang leaned in even closer to the screen.

"To the biggest competition ever. All of the worst minesweepers. Nobody can lose. The winner… WINS."

Fang didn't even realize that Creepy Little Paperclip Guy had made no sense. None of this made sense. If it made sense, would he be up at four in the morning talking to his laptop?

* * *

"WELCOME ONE AND ALL TO THE FIRST ANNUAL INTER-STORY MINESWEEPER THROWDOWN!!!" yelled Creepy Little Paperclip Guy, who also happened to be the announcer. The entire crowd- which consisted of five crickets and a druggie monkey- went crazy.

Fang looked around, wondering where the arena ended and Queens began. Then he realized there wasn't much difference anyway, and turned to face his opponents. There were a whole lot of angry, snarling, failures at life.

The first was Harry Freaking Potter himself. The wizard-boy was in a furious debate with another wizard. Gandalf.

Not Gandalf the White, though. Not the Gray, either. Judging by what he was wearing… More like Gandalf the Gay. That's probably what he was arguing with Harry about.

The third was Dora the Explorer, who seemed to be getting stoned with Ozzy Ozborne. _Great, there goes my childhood,_ Fang thought miserably.

Then there was Kronk. The dumb guy from that llama movie. Fang needed to watch that movie again…

Continually scanning the arena, Fang spotted Barney, Miley Cyrus, The Masturbating Bear, King Leonidas, Iggy, and Homer Sim- Hold up.

"IGGY?!?" Fang called out, incredulous.

"Fang?" Iggy relpied, equally shocked.

"Daddy?" Justin cried out.

"Justin?" Fang asked. "You're real?"

"Of course I am Daddy!" Justin cried. "You don't remember me?"

"Yeah, but… Wait… Saint? Where are you?"

"I'm not here!" Saint called out.

"Okay then. Are you seriously competing, Iggy?" Fang asked.

"Competing in what? I heard there was free beer!" Iggy replied.

Fang stared. "There's free…?"

"ALL COMPETITORS TO YOUR COMPUTERS!!!" Creepy Little Paperclip Guy announced.

"It's go time!" Iggy yelled to the heavens. The heavens told him to shut up.

* * *

"THIS IS SPARTA!" King Leonidas screamed at his screen.

"THIS IS OUR LAND!" Jake Sully screamed at his.

"SPARTA!" Leonidas replied.

"OUR LAND!" Jake screamed right back.

"OZZY!" Ozzy yelled before eating a bat and passing out.

_Alright, _Fang thought to himself, _That's one down… Quite a few left… Hey, this is cool… ECHO… echo… echo… Now stepping up to the plate… plate… plate… Derek Jeter… Jeter… Jeter…_

"READY!" called out Creepy Little Paperclip Guy. "SET!" Fang got set, then wondered how the hell you got set for a computer game, then realized he was already set, then wondered why the hell he was doin thi-

"SWEEP!" yelled Creepy Little Paperclip Guy, followed immediately by a shitload of "DAMMIT!"s.

"Holy crap!" Fang yelled, "I'm not dead yet!"

"Holy crap!" Iggy yelled, "I can't see anything!"

"Expecto Patronum!" Harry yelled.

Justin shot him.

"Justin!" Fang yelled. "No! You can't do that! That's not nice! Shoot Gandalf instead!"

Justin did.

"You're a great dad, you know that?" Iggy said admirably.

"Yeah, and you're a creep."

* * *

***_Three hours later, somehow***_

There were two left.

Fang and Iggy.

Somehow the blind kid had survived a game based entirely on vision.

"You're going down, Ig!" Fang yelled.

"You're gonna get owned!" Iggy yelled back.

"I'm hungry!" Justin cried.

"SHUT THE HELL UP!" both parents screamed, causing Justin to seek refuge with Dora, Ozzy, and the headless bat.

Fang slowly reached for the mouse, carefully dragging the cursor over the almost-cleared board.

Iggy slowly reached for the mouse. He couldn't find it.

Fang clicked. A number 3 appeared. "YES!!!!!" he jumped out of his seat. "Almost there!"

Iggy found the mouse and clicked. Internet Explorer opened.

Fang clicked again. A 2 appeared. "YES!!!!" he jumped again.

Iggy somehow ended up at a gay midget porn site.

Fang held his breath, flipping back and forth between two final boxes.

He closed his eyes and clicked…

* * *

"FANG!!!!!!!!"

"IGGY LIKES GAY MIDGET PORN!!!!!" Fang screamed as he jumped up.

"WHAT. THE. HELL?!?!?!?!?!?!?" Max screamed.

"Heheh… I think I'll just go to bed now…" Fang grabbed his laptop and ran off to his room.

As he passed Iggy and Gazzy's room, he thought he heard Iggy scream "I WON!!!"

Or something like that.

He paused and looked at his laptop. There was an almost-finished game of minesweeper open.

Just two blocks left.

Fang held his breath and picked.

"DAMMIT!"

* * *

Max: That was a long oneshot...

**Me: Yeah, well, whatever. I hope you liked it!**

**Max: I didn't.**

**Me: Not you.**

**Max: Go to Jeb.**

**_Thanks for reading! -Matt&Max_**


End file.
